youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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