I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
