I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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