I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
