Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
