now i know why i became what i already was.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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