Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
