remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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