Pants 0. Shit 1.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
