I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just found puke in my bra..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
