He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
