Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
...so i touched it.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
