Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize