And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
