Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
