Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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