My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
