Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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