me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
