gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
