I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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