They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
