even my farts smell like vagina
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize