At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
