My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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