I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
