The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
