So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
worst night to have a conscience
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
