Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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