i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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