I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
