I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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