Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
