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• (810): View more from Michigan

  i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

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• (707): View more from California

  Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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• (949): View more from California

  My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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• (760): View more from California

  I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Best not to. Some people need their delusions.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet

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• (253): View more from Washington

  You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".

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