My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
