Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
