So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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