I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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