ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
