Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
