I queefed so loud it echoed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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