Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
