2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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