haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
