Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
