I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
