I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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