Kiss
Puke
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
