I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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