Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
