There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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