see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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