my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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