but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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