I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
