After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
