I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
