There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
