Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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