my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
