he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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