it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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