I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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