Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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