Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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