I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
