I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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