i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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