I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
