Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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