my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
