I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize