I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
