I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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