we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
