Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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