weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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