You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just forgot I was standing up.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
