i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
